As we come into the New Year we consider all things: our finances, career moves, our relationship, "Will this be the year we get pregnant?"... But, do you know that there is such a thing as OVERTHINKING? Some of you may have recently spotted me on Season 8, episode 2 of MARRIED at FIRST SIGHT which aired on January 1, 2019 and there is a good reason why this show is in its 8th season.... PEOPLE ARE WATCHING! Many people are tuning in each week because they are in disbelieve that even one couple would persevere in such a strange, countercultural set-up and circumstance. But as an actual fan of the show I can say that one of the things I think is most affective about THIS social experiment process is that there is limited room for the participants to overthink prior to going into marriage and that rocks our millennial core and takes us out of our comfort zone of OVERTHINKING.
The more I thought about this I was moved to share three tips to help those of you experiencing overthinking ...
1. Single & Dating? Newly engaged? Newlywed? Married for a few years? Learn to appreciate what IS, rather than the "potential" or what could be... Often times in my experience as a premarital counselor I hear a lot of people refer to their partners "potential". While I totally understand why we give the one we love the benefit of the doubt, whatever happened to loving people where they are or remembering why we fell in love in the first place? Sometimes looking at "potential" could be setting yourself up for failure or disappointment. In other words you could be sabotaging your relationship! Yikes! In translation, for those of you who sway more on the religious or spiritual side... Learn to cherish the God-given parts of your partner that organically sparks joy and togetherness. Couple this with a balance of compromising (on both ends) along the way.
2. I am a truth seeker and truth teller... Know that the truth is, "There are no perfect pairs!" Shocking I know! Best to sprinkle that truth at the start of the year rather than later. No one couple has everything together or working out all the time. If you ever
meet a relationship expert that doesn't prescribe to that truth RUN the other way! Every couple goes through their ebbs and flows (the whole point of investing in premarital counseling hint hint) and what that looks like for one couple is different from another but the romanticized idea that there is a standard of perfection is misleading maybe a catalyst in you overthinking your relationship. Don't be mislead by the big diamond rings, sup
er fancy weddings or even the cuddly images of couples floating around on social media. These things do NOT represent a reality of perfection.
3. Verbalize what's going RIGHT. Another shocker! This sounds so simple but for many of us its in our nature to see the glass half empty. Communication is in the top factors of why relationships unravel. It doesn't matter if you are an introvert or an extrovert, stop making excuses for not edifying your spouse. Aren't they worth it? If they aren't then why are you with them? Before entering into a relationship you should have a clear understanding of what your negotiable desires and non-negotiable desires are for the partner you would like to have. Be very honest with yourself before entering into a relationship. If someone meets your non-negotiable list, hooray! As long as the non-negotiable expectations are going well there is no need to be a Debby Downer or to spark conflict over newly arise annoying habits about your partner. Talk about it. This will always be a part of being in a relationship. Work through it using healthy resource(s) before throwing in the towel or blaming. In other words, learn to celebrate!
Photo Credit: Kesha Lambert Photography
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